Torn

I'm having a really hard time with this planning thing. It's so weird...every night, I change my mind. And say, ah forget it! Do a tour another time and just make some money this summer. It's hard because I have very little support from family to do this and I don't blame them. I am going on to my fifth year of college and the chance of actually graduating even then is looking slim. I don't want to be a financial burden forever but I also don't want to continue doing things that I don't want to do. I've been taking summer classes probably every summer since I started going to college. I am exhausted and starting to lose my motivation. The education classes that I'm taking are rarely relevant to what I think I'll actually be doing in the classroom and it's starting to make me think that I am wasting my time.

So I have a few options:

Wait to hear from Yellowstone and see if I got a job there (and if I do, it's probably cleaning toilets or wiping up vomit) but make enough money all summer to pay for rent when I get back.

Go on the bike tour, make no money, but at the same time make a huge accomplishment that I will forever be proud of.

or

Go back to Long Island. Get a job and be incredibly bored and lonely while my friends and boyfriend are hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. Now, doesn't that sound appealing?!

The later is probably the least favourable one for me but seems to be the option I always take. It's so easy to just go home and be a blob but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to do something special and extraordinary.

I could possibly be thinking about this way too much. In the meantime, I am continuing training because even if I end up not doing the tour, at least I will have some beefy, strong legs to show for it.

"You block your dream when you allow fear to grow bigger than your faith."